[Faolan does not know how to describe the way he is feeling now. Is he mad? Yes, yes he is. But it is not the primary emotion he is feeling. But what is? Exhaustion, perhaps, but a bone-weariness that goes far beyond what such a word could describe. And a grief as well, he supposes. He cannot touch or look too closely at this emotion though, for fear the walls he has built for himself will crumble apart and he will be no better off now than he had been when he first arrived. The broken shell of a man.
He takes in a deep breath, disturbed by the unsteadiness in it. By the tightness he feels in his chest. The next words that come are quiet and guarded, brittle as broken glass, and not at all the ones that he means to say:]
[It was a lot more complicated than just being angry for him, too. He was angry, yes, but he was scared and tired and so many other things. Being angry just... made it all easier to deal with, somehow.
Alexei glances across at Faolan, carefully hiding his surprise at the unexpected moment of vulnerability. He takes a breath.]
That might depend a lot on you.
[Because, well, look at Trevor. There are so many ways to make being here worse for you.]
[Faolan does not mean to let his guards down. And truth be told it's more of a momentary lapse than anything else. But there is a reason he finds himself here, awake in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, a secret part of him wondering whether it might not just be easier to step up and over the edge of this railing and be done with it all, another part of him knowing that the Admiral will likely just bring him back again and he might as well save himself the added misery. Alexei has caught him in a moment of vulnerability as it is, and it is not so surprising that the more he continues to let himself think, the more he finds himself slipping.
Faolan presses his eyes shut tight, so he need not look out into the darkness beyond and tempt himself any further.]
Please. [He swallows thickly, and his knuckles are tight on the railing before him. He does not even know what he is asking for, simply that he is.]
[Another moment of observation. Alexei puts his cigarette out against the railing and lets it drop over the side for the cleaning bots to deal with when it inevitably ends up somewhere back on the deck after slipping through the nets.]
Hey...
[It's careful and slow, the way he lifts a hand and almost-but-not-quite places it against Faolan's shoulder. He'll wait a moment, and if the other man doesn't flinch away, he'll let it land.]
[Faolan does not flinch away from the other man's touch, although he is noticeably stiff under Alexei's hand when it does connect against his shoulder. An undercurrent of emotion vibrating through him as he does his best to keep a tight grip on himself -- he absolutely cannot lose control of himself in front of this man he has only just met. No more than he has already done. The thought is intolerable.
Faolan does not know what he's asking for, does not know what he's looking for, but he is at least at least appreciative of the other man's presence and support. The tentative press of his hand, a reassurance that someone is there for him, even if it is a man he barely knows at all.
He takes in a deep and shuddering breath, letting it out slowly.]
I should not be here.
[It's fairly obvious he does not mean on deck, but rather on the Barge in general.]
[Though he doesn't know the full story here - of course he doesn't - Alexei can recognise the emotions at play. It's a picture so similar to one others must have seen on meeting him not much more than a year ago.]
Yeah?
[Quiet, careful. He keeps his hand where it is as if it might offer some sense of grounding.]
[Faolan shakes his head. How can he explain how he is feeling, why he is feeling it, without giving away certain deeply personal details he has held so closely to his chest for so long... How can he stress the fact that he does not deserve this second chance he has been given? That he has been given a second chance, and a third, and Lord knows how many more, and he has ruined them all. That he ruins everything he touches, and then when he had finally accepted his darkness and given in, he had woken up and found himself --
Here.
Faolan lets out a sound that is half laugh and half sob, but all bitter.
He squeezes his hand against Faolan's shoulder. Is Alexei equipped in any way to deal with this..? Absolutely not, but it wouldn't be the first time he'd ended up tripping himself into a position like that. Sometimes you just have to Cope.
[Faolan shakes his head. No, there will be no sharing of tales here. He is not keen on sharing his story even at the best of times, and this is most certainly not that. For so many different reasons.]
There is no more to say.
[It is an obvious lie — of course there is more. In another life… But that life is over now, and this is all that Faolan can give Alexei in this moment, even if he should give him more.
He squeezes his eyes tight, shaking his head again.]
Escaping one prison, only to find myself in another. What a godsdamned mess, all of this.
[He nods a little, as if to say 'all right then' without saying it, and clasps his hands loosely behind his back to give Faolan a bit of space to breathe. It's an obvious lie, yes, but not one he's going to challenge at the moment.]
Yeah, thought the same thing when I got here.
[On both counts. It being a mess hasn't changed much. Maybe offering some more information about himself is a change of topic that Faolan would appreciate.]
[Faolan takes in a deep breath and lets it out slowly.
And -- okay. For all that it is a prison, it kind of is better. In some aspects, anyway. Considering the prison he had been in before he had woken up here had been, well. ]
I suppose... At least I do not find myself chained to the wall, here.
I guess I did enjoy not being beaten by the guards for mouthing off on a daily basis.
[Which... well, he could have just not mouthed off, but he's never been the kind of person to just stay quiet in those kinds of situations. More to the point, he was a teenager, and trying to batter him down only made him worse.]
[It is not a competition of 'who had it worse', though if it were, Faolan is of a mind that nothing would top Breakstone Hollow.
Where he had found himself last, in the Widow's holdings, was a comfortable stay at an inn, compared to Breakstone. At least he'd had his own cell he'd been chained in, after all.
...best not to think of it. Of any of it. Of prison. Of the widow. He raises a hand to rub over his face.]
I cannot imagine what atrocities I might have to do here to evoke the same treatment from my own Warden.
Mmn. Wardens acting like that isn't looked on well here.
[Which isn't always great for him with his tendency to instinctively want to solve problems with violence, but hey, he manages well enough.]
Last one who lost his shit on an inmate got demoted. If you can't imagine what you'd do to get that kind of reaction, chances are you're not gonna do it.
Mhm. I haven't seen it happen often, but it happens.
[Always seems to be pretty extreme cases. Actual danger to the Barge or posing a danger to other inmates. Usually the wardens who end up that way are bitter about it even if they re-graduate, using it like a crutch for their own splintered egos.
He's learned to recognise the type. Tends to steer clear if he can. It's not worth the aggravation of dealing with it.]
'Graduation' isn't just a one and done if you stay on afterwards. You have to keep it up.
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He takes in a deep breath, disturbed by the unsteadiness in it. By the tightness he feels in his chest. The next words that come are quiet and guarded, brittle as broken glass, and not at all the ones that he means to say:]
Tell me that it gets easier.
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Alexei glances across at Faolan, carefully hiding his surprise at the unexpected moment of vulnerability. He takes a breath.]
That might depend a lot on you.
[Because, well, look at Trevor. There are so many ways to make being here worse for you.]
But it can get easier. I can tell you that.
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Faolan presses his eyes shut tight, so he need not look out into the darkness beyond and tempt himself any further.]
Please. [He swallows thickly, and his knuckles are tight on the railing before him. He does not even know what he is asking for, simply that he is.]
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Hey...
[It's careful and slow, the way he lifts a hand and almost-but-not-quite places it against Faolan's shoulder. He'll wait a moment, and if the other man doesn't flinch away, he'll let it land.]
I got you.
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Faolan does not know what he's asking for, does not know what he's looking for, but he is at least at least appreciative of the other man's presence and support. The tentative press of his hand, a reassurance that someone is there for him, even if it is a man he barely knows at all.
He takes in a deep and shuddering breath, letting it out slowly.]
I should not be here.
[It's fairly obvious he does not mean on deck, but rather on the Barge in general.]
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Yeah?
[Quiet, careful. He keeps his hand where it is as if it might offer some sense of grounding.]
Why's that?
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Here.
Faolan lets out a sound that is half laugh and half sob, but all bitter.
Finally, he replies:]
I did not ask to be saved.
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He squeezes his hand against Faolan's shoulder. Is Alexei equipped in any way to deal with this..? Absolutely not, but it wouldn't be the first time he'd ended up tripping himself into a position like that. Sometimes you just have to Cope.
So, after a quiet and careful breath in...]
... Go on.
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There is no more to say.
[It is an obvious lie — of course there is more. In another life… But that life is over now, and this is all that Faolan can give Alexei in this moment, even if he should give him more.
He squeezes his eyes tight, shaking his head again.]
Escaping one prison, only to find myself in another. What a godsdamned mess, all of this.
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Yeah, thought the same thing when I got here.
[On both counts. It being a mess hasn't changed much. Maybe offering some more information about himself is a change of topic that Faolan would appreciate.]
Didn't feel like much of an improvement.
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And -- okay. For all that it is a prison, it kind of is better. In some aspects, anyway. Considering the prison he had been in before he had woken up here had been, well. ]
I suppose... At least I do not find myself chained to the wall, here.
[He lets out a somewhat broken laugh.]
Progress.
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I guess I did enjoy not being beaten by the guards for mouthing off on a daily basis.
[Which... well, he could have just not mouthed off, but he's never been the kind of person to just stay quiet in those kinds of situations. More to the point, he was a teenager, and trying to batter him down only made him worse.]
So yeah, there's that.
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Where he had found himself last, in the Widow's holdings, was a comfortable stay at an inn, compared to Breakstone. At least he'd had his own cell he'd been chained in, after all.
...best not to think of it. Of any of it. Of prison. Of the widow. He raises a hand to rub over his face.]
I cannot imagine what atrocities I might have to do here to evoke the same treatment from my own Warden.
[Is that a good thing? Perhaps it should be.]
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[Which isn't always great for him with his tendency to instinctively want to solve problems with violence, but hey, he manages well enough.]
Last one who lost his shit on an inmate got demoted. If you can't imagine what you'd do to get that kind of reaction, chances are you're not gonna do it.
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I suppose I did mean it more in the context of his character than mine, but you are right.
[He takes a deep breath, before turning to the other man.] A Warden can be demoted?
((ooc: please forgive me for how long it's taken to reply here, some rl things got in the way BUT i am back now!))
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[Always seems to be pretty extreme cases. Actual danger to the Barge or posing a danger to other inmates. Usually the wardens who end up that way are bitter about it even if they re-graduate, using it like a crutch for their own splintered egos.
He's learned to recognise the type. Tends to steer clear if he can. It's not worth the aggravation of dealing with it.]
'Graduation' isn't just a one and done if you stay on afterwards. You have to keep it up.